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THE PATRIOT RETURNS |
Vol. 43, No.3 February 10, 2009
New Caucus to solve Middle East crisis:
An Open offer from the Professional Staff Congress to Solve all Middle Eastern problems and end thousands of years of conflict, fighting, hatred, and war. January 29, 2009 Dear Israelis and Gazastinians: We are delighted to be able to announce that all your troubles are at an end. We, the Delegate Assembly of the Professional Staff Congress, a wholly owned subsidiary of the New Caucus, have graciously decided to intervene in the Middle East, and through our brilliance, inherent moral superiority, power of outrage, and all around spectacularity, will end thousands of years of unrest and bitterness and bring permanent lasting peace to the land of milk and honey. We figure it should take 3, maybe 4 months tops. We are very proud that you are fortunate enough to have our assistance. Without a doubt most of you are already aware of our mighty reputation as the most progressive union in the United States and a major player on the international scene. And should the day come when there are moon bases and the like, we will have a major reputation there as well (and a kiosk too, where we will hand out issues of The Tranquility Base Daily Worker). Everyone knows that our reputation, often defined as “an irrational perception that is not based on facts or evidence”, is at the heart of our strength. The more passionately we embrace our own reputation and fondle it like teenagers groping each other at a make out session, the more exceptional we become. Some call this believing your own newspaper press, but it's not like that at all. We use internet chat groups. Yes, it is frankly wonderful and downright miraculous that we have decided to help you, because it is widely known that no one is better at reducing supposedly difficult and intractable situations down to utter simplisticisms than we are. Honestly, we really don't know why everyone keeps saying that the problems in the Middle East are so complex. It's really not that difficult. We have looked at the history of the region going back to Shalmaneser I, and have pretty much got it all figured out; Kalashnikovs, killing, conquest, concubines, captivity. Pestilence, poverty, prophets, papyrus, and Persian rugs. And there you have it. It's a piece of cake, really. And if you are impressed by our political and intellectual brilliance (and we are pretty sure you are), you will be amazed by how well we turn words into actions; actions that have our enemies shaking in their boots with fear; actions that reverberate across the globe; actions that cause the many multitudes to rise up, break their shackles of oppression and taste the glorious sweet mochachino of freedom. And in each instance where we take action, we act humbly, for we always know deep in our hearts that it is the least we can do. Really it is. Our very first action is going to shake the foundations of the entire established Middle Eastern dynamic, and send ripples of shock and awe (our specialty is awe) from Islamabad to Tunis with such awesome shockingness that the entire region will be transformed overnight. We are going to pass a Resolution. Not just any old namby pamby, duller than ditchwater resolution filled with the empty rhetoric of self important gasbags that screams “Pay attention to MEEEEEE!!”, but a resolution loaded full of the stuff that gets people's attention. Like using a lot of WHEREAS's, for instance. And plenty of verbal finger pointing. And for good measure, throwing in an entire bushel of scorn and 3 Hogsheads of moral superiority. So by the time we wrap everything up with a ripping RESOLVED, the true measure of our conviction, honesty and integrity will stand out for all to see. What will this resolution say? It will announce our intention to commit all union resources to petition and protest nonstop until the Islamic University of Gaza is adopted as the newest branch of CUNY, to be owned and administered solely by us, The New Caucus. Rest assured that once we bring the peace, the peace will stay.... even if we have to nail it to a yew tree. Most already know of our fearsome reputation and unflappable protestorial resolve, so we are not terribly worried about miscreants or wild eyed bombaziod wearing enemies of peace. Yes, much as Sampson did, we pledge to stand strong against any and all modern day Philistines. And we are not just a jawbone; we are the entire Ass! In closing, as a sign of solidarity and friendship for all peoples of the Middle East, we will shortly be sending you a case of Jimmy Dean's Premium Pure Pork Breakfast Sausages. They are made from only the finest pork and pork by products, and that delicious pork flavor lasts all day long. We frankly swear by the stuff, and are looking forward to importing truck loads of Jimmy's finest to stock the cafeteria at the new Gazastan Branch of CUNY. We proudly declare that once we get you to taste some of those, things will never be the same! In delectable porcine solidarity, L. Noteduermas
Announcement: The Patriot Returns is pleased to announce that members of the faculty who are silenced by the University Faculty Senate in expressing their views on the Senate Forum have been invited to use the pages of the Patriot Returns to make their views known.
Sharad Karkhanis, Ph.D.
Issues of The Patriot may be accessed at As you know, Susan O'Malley has sought to silence the Patriot by bringing a lawsuit which seeks to limit his free speech and financially bankrupt him. Interested colleagues have weighed in at |