If you have difficulty reading the newsletter, please go to www.patriotreturns.com to see the latest release.
Vol. 53, No.3 September 29, 2010
THE PATRIOT RETURNS
COMPLETE AND GLORIOUS VICTORY IN THE UPCOMING REVOLUTIONARY CONTRACT STRUGGLE.
A great announcement to the teeming masses of PSC unioners from the New caucus Regarding Our Plan to bring you complete and glorious victory in the upcoming revolutionary contract struggle
Dear Mighty, Heroical PSC CUNYites:
How was your Summer?
Ours was just Yummy!
But enough of the warm fuzzy small talk intended to ingratiate ourselves and give you the impression we actually identify with your plight.
We in the New Caucus are proud to make an astoundingly spectacular announcement regarding our masterfully brilliant plan that will bring us complete and overwhelming victory in the upcoming Great Heroic People's Contract Struggle TM.
But first, stop for a minute. Check the time and fix this moment in your mind.
For without a doubt you will want to remember for all time exactly when you first read about our bold, unbelievable plan that will affect your salary and working conditions for many years to come!
Yes, we have been working tirelessly the past several months carefully crafting our strategy at special super secret meetings cleverly disguised as nightly dining experiences at four star establishments like “21”.
And for some of the luckiest among you, it was the thrill of a lifetime when you experienced our dazzling brilliance firsthand when we visited your campus on our “Pretending to Listen” Tour. O, how your fellow union brothers and sisters must have been envious of you basking in our transformative revolutionary glow! And best of all, you will soon be able to buy the New Caucus Hi Def DVD documentary of this tour complete with commentary by US, your glorious leaders. We guarantee it will make the celebration of the Queen's Golden Jubilee look like a Monday Happy Hour at the Blarney Stone!
We sincerely loved the opportunity to mix with all of you and shake your hands, and with plenty of hand sanitizer we didn't have to worry about any of your unpleasant lingering residue!
Since then though, some of you have been asking absurd, irrelevant , and inappropriate questions like, “what is your plan?”, and insisting that we must have further open debate in something they call “true democratic” fashion.
It saddens us.
Really it does. We are shaking our heads even at this very moment at the sadness of it all, and several senior members of our Internal Security Directorate are weeping uncontrollably. Clearly these poor misguided souls have somehow fallen under the spell of divisive anti-union influences. We don't understand how they could do this.
After all, Real Revolutionaries KNOW Democracy is for sissies!
But don't YOU lose hope, mighty Warriors of Unionary Truth and Justice! There's no need to worry about these lost brothers and sisters, for in our generosity we have a plan for them too; our union leadership will be soon granting them PSC Development Fund travel stipends so that they can recharge their Revolutionary batteries with many weeks of invigorating Union supervised exercise adventures on the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica!
Make no mistake about this. The Evil Devil Capitalist CUNY Exploiters of our Academian Working Class are at this very moment sharpening their proletarian-chomping fangs, and are slithering to the bargaining table ready to greedily lap up the sweat of your brutal backbreaking labor at the every opportunity.
But we know their weakness.
They will come to the bargaining table to negotiate professionally and in good faith….
...and that's just what they are EXPECTING US to do!
WE are MUCH too smart to fall into THAT trap!
And as many of you know firsthand, we have years of experience with avoiding dirty underhanded counter revolutionary tricks like “integrity”.
So you see, our ultimate victory is assured!
Now let the slavish adoration and cheering begin!! That's because we can categorically state that there is no doubt that we will bring you a contract that will have all other unions shaking their heads in wonder and amazement.
In closing, we are remarkably humbled that you are lucky enough to have such brilliant leaders as ourselves leading the way to a perfect revolutionary society that will rival Mao's Great Leap Forward. And like Mao's Great Leap, in our wonderful worker's utopia you will be heated red hot and forged by our sensitive yet callused academic hands into a mighty dense and steaming lumpen revolutionary force in hundreds of academic departments across CUNY, demonstrating our undeniable brilliance to the entire world.
For you see, before we liberated you, you were just a random collection of scrap; but thanks to our remarkable genius-y leadership, you are now being transformed into Revolutionary Pig Iron!
Yes, these are exciting times, and it is unfortunate that some of you may have some iota of doubt about the outcome of what will surely be a great contract victory. You should take comfort in all that we do, and you never need to worry or question our priorities, or that we don't ALWAYS know EXACTLY who we serve.
It's because we're infallible, don't cha know!
So you need not ever question us about anything again….
…unless of course you want to spend your golden years mountain biking in the Antarctic.
In heroic, sweaty, fist pumping solidarity,
Sharad Karkhanis, Ph.D.